BIG GRIN :-)

Our wedding day was the happiest day of my life.  So much so that I get a pang every time I pass a wedding dress shop.  I know that I will never get to have that day and wear the nice dress again.  That doesn’t mean I want to give up on my marriage so I can relive the event  – quite the opposite – but it doesn’t make the desire go away.  

I feel the same way about having another child.

Aren’t hormones amazing things?  They give us the desires we need in order to continue the human race. I hadn’t really thought about how much they govern our decisions until recently.  Immediately after our second miscarriage my husband and I had a chat about “trying again”.  He was against and I was for.  This caused some tension between us and a compromise was agreed – we’ll try until Christmas.  Once the hormones had died down (the original conversation was had less than a week after my surgery) I began to think about what it would mean to have another child in a more rational way (and probably the way my husband had been thinking all along).

Despite the miscarriage we had a really great summer.  We’re enjoying Edith now being old enough to do more interesting days out.  My husband and I are lucky that even though our parents live far away and aren’t able to do the odd night of babysitting his Grandmother is close, fit and healthy enough to have Edith for sleepovers.  She would not be able to do this with two children.  My parents can look after Edith for a few days at a time but would struggle with two – they’re not getting any younger.  We’ve had nights out at the theatre and cinema and meals with friends along with a long weekend away in Dublin all child free.  Having another child would put pay to this certainly for the next 3 or 4 years.

I’m not getting any younger and trying to conceive is a stressful time at the best of times but even worse in your 40s.  I’ve realised that, apart from a year or so after Edith was born, I’ve been living fortnight to fortnight ever since we were married five and a half years ago.  There’s the waiting for the ovulation window and the pressure that brings on the relationship and then the wait for the inevitable disappointment of the period arriving.  Once I was pregnant (on the three occasions) then the next worry starts.  I put on weight and start worrying about what I’m eating, drinking, doing etc.  This got even worse after the first miscarriage.  The weeks until you reach the magic 12 take forever.  And once you’ve reached that milestone there’s the worry about abnormalities and Down’s Syndrome etc.

We bought our house when I was pregnant so Edith had a temporary room in our heads.  We didn’t get around to decorating it or making it her room properly because we thought she’d soon be moved out to make way for a nursery.  Likewise for our spare room.  Our guests have had to put up with nothing matching and no nice furnishings because we thought this room would soon become Edith’s and decorated accordingly.

Everyone knows that I’m a planner and I think after having so much uncertainty for such a long time has really dragged me down.  A friend organised a trip to see the World Paraathletics Championships in July 2017.  Should I buy tickets and risk not being able to go because I’m pregnant or have a baby?  I went ahead and bought the tickets and in a funny way I think this might have been a catalyst to changing the way I was thinking.

With my pregnancy this year I put on about 10lbs in 9 weeks and I felt like a blob.  I started back at Slimming World in Sept and began the personal challenge of Couch to 5k.  Whilst I hate pretty much every second of the running I have really enjoyed the achievement of doing  increasingly large intervals and this combined with walking to work rather than getting the bus my mental health has improved therefore enabling me to thin more rationally about the decision to have another child and just giving me some me time.

So what now?

I often get the same wedding dress pang when I think about being pregnant, having maternity leave (!), and Edith having a sibling and our parents having another Grandchild but this isn’t enough of a reason to have another child and go through everything that goes along with it.

I’m genuinely excited about clearing out the baby stuff and planning our future as a family of three.

<BIG GRIN>