I'm fine.....

I'm now 5 days since the surgery to complete my miscarriage.
I was under general anaesthetic for approximately 20 minutes and (and it's supposed to) it felt like no time at all.

I felt OK going into hospital and waiting to go into surgery although did have a meltdown in the morning when I got up.  My rational mind knows that the risks involved with general anaesthetic are very small however I couldn't stop thinking about dying on the operating table and how would Dom and Edith cope without me.  I was also scared.  They asked me to use a pessary which helps soften the cervix before the procedure.  These are the same drugs I took last year for the "medical management of miscarriage" which ended in hours of labour and pain and still resulted in surgery.  I really didn't want to have my surgery delayed and then find I had to go through all that again.  Dom (and later the doctor) assured me that the dose I took was much smaller than last year and that there was no risk of that.  I felt better.

I had a little cry just before they put me under and again, with relief I think, when I woke up but apart from that I've been fine.  The hospital signed me off for another 14 days to get over the emotional side of things.  Physically I'm fine and barely suffered any ill effects from the anaesthetic.  I've had many lazy days and 'good for the soul' outings - the park in the sunshine, cinema with the family and many hours of Walking Dead on the settee with hubs.

So when will I be 'OK' to go back to work?

I know that I feel better than I did last year.  From start to finish our first miscarriage took 5 weeks.  For most of that time I was bleeding and as it turns out also had an infection.  Going through such a long winded journey just reminded me daily of the baby that was not going to be born.  This time it's pretty much finished within 7-10days.  Does that make it easier?

I'm inclined to say yes.  I don't feel half as emotional and 'just' feel like I did before I was pregnant when we were trying to conceive.  i.e. each month I had disappointment when I discovered I wasn't pregnant - again.

Am I kidding myself? Will all this emotion erupt at some point?  How do I give myself time to heal emotionally?  Does having time off work help this?

Today is the anniversary of our first date and we're going out tonight to the same location where we had our first kiss.  I can't wait.  But I am worried.  If I'm well enough to go to the cinema, go out to dinner aren't I well enough for work?  What will people say?

I've decided to try not to worry about other people.  Easier said than done.
I've told my boss I'm going back to work on Wednesday and we'll just have to see how it goes.

I'm taking today and tomorrow to put everything in order at home - washing, tidying etc etc.  Tidy house tidy mind. And to try and draw a line under the last 10 days and move on.