Why the stigma?

Two weeks ago we moved in to our new house.  It truly is a beautiful space to live in and we felt right at home immediately.
The move was a pretty stressful affair with daily calls to solicitors and estate agents to agree a completion date and a nervous wait of two hours between keys before we stepped over our new threshold.  To add to the stress we had been told the day before the move that the pregnancy we were expecting to announce with great fanfare the following week had ended 3 weeks previously.

I'd started to bleed a small amount on Monday evening when I had just turned 11 weeks pregnant.  It was an insignificant amount and while I didn't have any bleeding at all when I was pregnant with Edith I didn't worry.  I worked from home the following day and at lunchtime had another small bleed.  I called our local midwife unit and they asked me to come in for my Anti-D injection (which I would have needed much later in the pregnancy because I have negative blood) that afternoon but then called to cancel later as they don't like to give it to people who are less than 12 weeks pregnant.
They didn't seem too concerned and said I only needed to worry if I had pain and a lot of bleeding.  They had, it turned out, also referred me to the early pregnancy unit who booked me in for a scan in a couple of days.  The next day at work the blood loss became worse and more red and then I got worried, upset and scared.  Still the scan the following day will let me know what's going on once and for all.  I prepared myself for the worse.

We dropped Edith off with friends and headed down to the hospital.  There were a lot of people in the room for the scan as the sonographer was training and therefore needed supervision.  It was the news we'd expected but really didn't want to hear.  The foetus had failed to develop at 8 weeks and there was now no foetal heartbeat.

So what now.

We waited in a private room to see the early pregnancy loss nurse and she gave us three options:  let things develop naturally, have a "managed" miscarriage where you take drugs which speed up the process and finally surgery.  We went home to think about it but decided to go with the "managed" option as that way it would all be over quickly and I could get back to work knowing everything had finished.  As we were moving house the next day we made an appointment for Monday to get the prescription and sign the consent.

The move went OK in the circumstances and at least gave us something to focus on and kept us busy and of course I could now have a glass of champagne to celebrate (every cloud and all that!).

WARNING - THIS NEXT SECTION MAY BE TOO MUCH FOR PERSONS OF A SQUEAMISH NATURE.

I bled more heavily over the weekend and had some back pain.  I passed two large "clots" the size of the palm of my hand so when we had our appointment on Monday they suggested that maybe my body was doing it naturally and to not give me the drugs unnecessarily.  They booked me in for another scan in two weeks to check everything had been expelled and signed me off for the week.  I took things easy, pottered around the house and took the time recuperating.  The bleeding didn't get any worse and I was still in no pain but from time to time the emotional toll took over and I spent a few hours just crying (usually in the shower).  I craved fresh air and healthy food.

As the week progressed the bleeding became lighter and I thought it was all coming to a natural end however the weekend hit and it became heavier again.  I was well enough to go back to work on Monday and it felt good to be back and to start catching up on everything I'd missed.

We're having  restructure at work and I needed to get my application form in for my job so even more stress!

WARNING #2
That evening I had another big bleed with a massive clot (the size of a side plate) and I really thought that must be it.  I still had no pain but the feeling of passing these "chunky" bits was awful.  I can only equate it to that feeling you have after you've been sick.  A general feeling of disgust.
Tuesday was ok but Wednesday I had the biggest bleed ever.  I soaked through 2 pads in an hour and had to be stood up all day at a conference "selling" our products.  Luckily things eased off and I was able to complete the day and I really thought that this time must be the last of it.

This morning I had the scan to check everything had gone.  Unfortunately it hasn't and the sac is still there.  They've given me the same options as before and we've opted for the "managed" method which I'm going to do tomorrow morning.  I'm not quite sure what to expect, a lot of blood and pain probably so the hot water bottle and pain killers are on standby.

You may think it's weird to share such private information but for me this is very cathartic.  I'm sure I'll forget how all this feels in a few months so it'll be good to read it back (much as I read back my birth story from time to time).  I also know that my story is by no means unusual.  1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage yet no-one seems to talk about it.  I don't want to continue the stigma.  I'm sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable but this is what women are going through every day and it can only be a good thing for people to realise and understand that.

Thanks to my husband for his support thus far, my daughter for her healing cuddles and my family and friends who have helped out practically and also been a sounding board for my commentary so far.  Thanks also to work for their understanding - I'm really not used to being on sick leave.